A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

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Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.


I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?


I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.


Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.


Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.


“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”


I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me


“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation


HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home


When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.