A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
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Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
real
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.