@XplodingUnicorn

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

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@lisaxy424

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

@UnFitz

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

@mdob11

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

@carlyken

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

@WilliamAder

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

@Shariv67

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

@Renanumber5

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

@slooberbie

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

@liljonlovitz

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

@PaulyPeligroso

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.