[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
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Google Pay be like:
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it