Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
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Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Thank you corporation very cool
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes