Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
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My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Yup
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.