Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
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[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.