“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
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If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.