Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
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At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.