Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
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[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
School be like
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…