If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
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Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
huge if true: the moon
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
spot the difference
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Very good! 👍😂
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family