You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
You Might Also Like
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
thanksgiving in nutshell
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
blocked.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*