I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
You Might Also Like
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.