Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
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*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Not even remotely sorry.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?