[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
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Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Choose your fighter
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …