[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
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[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Word.
~ Microsoft.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My dad is at it again
This one’s “Alex”.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW