boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
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God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Yup.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.