the composer
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Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
termite twitter scares me
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I really had high hopes for this year though
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
damn he’s good
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.