The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
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I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.