me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
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I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Watermelon Boss!
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.