Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
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*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
she has a point
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
What?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Social distancing in Australia:
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.