My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
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My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.