Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
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If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.