Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
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If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand