I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
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The new Ring movie looks terrifying
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie