Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
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A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
reviewed some movies recently
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
how was your vacation
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me