What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
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If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*