Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
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I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST