I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
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Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I am crying
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
i really liked this one
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Liquor Store Parking
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Introverted vegans go meetless
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.