Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
You Might Also Like
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My new favorite headline
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.