maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
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IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
tourist season
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.