The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
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[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009