Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
You Might Also Like
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog