Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
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*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good