[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
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When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
*seductively corrects your posture*
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.