Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
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not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell