Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
You Might Also Like
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
rapatouille
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?