hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
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“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
no one ever comes back
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom