“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
You Might Also Like
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
a badder mouse
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.