She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
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waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Phonetics
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.