date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
You Might Also Like
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.