Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
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For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
lol
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
The biggest mystery of our time
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
HR said no more nunchucks.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
My current situation
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.