For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
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barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Just parrot things
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
next question.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job