It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
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If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.