Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Worst perfume name ever.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.