What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!