Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
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“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
It was worth a shot 😂
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.