I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
You Might Also Like
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
One venti cheeseburger please.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.