Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
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Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Cheer up.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it