Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
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My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*