5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
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I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…