[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
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Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses